You’re unhappy with the relationship and want to end it.
Except you don’t know how.
Because whether you’re a man or a woman, you’re about to learn exactly how to break up with someone over text.In this article:More...
Is there a right time to break up with someone?
Of course there is never a right time to bring someone bad news.
However when you come up with the right moment, consider the following.
Probably your partner will go through a tough time after the break up.
- Are the most important people in her life around and available to comfort her? or are they just on a big trip for example.
- Is she just about to go through something important? For example an exam or something at work.
- Is she about to make a big financial investment that she wouldn’t make knowing she’s alone again.
- Are there any important celebrations or holidays coming up?
To be fair, if you want to break up, the best moment was yesterday.
For your own sake and hers.
So don’t try to find an excuse to postpone it, so you don’t have to face the difficult conversation yet.
It’s unfair to your partner. They’re missing out on the opportunity of building something new with someone else. And you’ll stay in a soul-crushing relationship for way to long.
However, sometimes it’s smart to postpone it (or speed it up) depending on circumstances.
Breaking up with someone over text
I’ll be honest with you:
There are only a few situations when it’s okay to break up over text.
In all other sitations: Don’t break up over text.
I know that’s what you came here for.
But dumping someone over text is NOT DONE.
If you can’t break up face to face, because you’re far away from each other… pick up the phone and call.
There is only 2 situations you can break up over text.
- When you feel physically threatened
When you feel unsafe or physically threatened to do it in person, you can break up over text.
- If you have just been dating and it’s not “official” yet
This isn’t officially a break up. But still it could be considered one. Especially if you have been dating for some time. Real life is still preferred, but a text wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Other than that, breaking up with someone over text is a bad move.
Plus, breaking up in real life will give you the closure you need to move on quicker than if you did it over text.
how to break up with someone: 4 Important pointers
Breaking up with someone is a nightmare.
What’s harder than rejecting someone that you care about, or even love?
Seeing how hard it is to dump someone, I’m going to give you the best break up advice possible.
Which I’ve broken up into 4 parts.
Starting with the most important.
1. Find the one big reason why you want to break up
You’re not a lawyer looking to prove your case in a court of law.
However, your girlfriend will try to reason her way back to you. She will want to talk and explain how things could be different.
However, you need to understand that breaking up is not about the right or wrong arguments.
You know you want to break up because it’s not right. However, you do need to provide an explanation. She deserves that.
But it’s not up for discussion. So she doesn’t have to agree.
So to make things easier and prevent a whole discussion, distill all your reasons down to one big one. Maybe two.
Think to yourself: what’s your fundamental reason for leaving the relationship?
That’s the one you need to go with. And stick to.
Your girlfriend will probably work her hardest to dismantle your argument.
But that’s no reason to come up with other arguments.
Stay on course. And keep repeating yourself if you have to.
2. Be kind
The goal is not to do damage and give someone a heap of new insecurities. The goal is to break up.
So don’t let it turn into a fight. Even if your partner is trying to provoke you.
Which is quite a natural reaction.
Think about it. If they can turn you into the bad guy, they can feel better about getting dumped.
So if they’re trying to get a rise out of you, don’t take the bait.
They’re simply hurt and angry.
3. Don’t be the “good guy”
Our own ego often drives us to dump someone while trying to be a hero.
Put simply, we still want to be liked. Even if we’re breaking someone’s heart.
And that’s not fair. Because in an effort to be liked, you may start saying things that you don’t mean.
You may give her hope, even though there is none.
And you’ll make the other person feel worse in the long term.
How? Because you’re trying to stay connected to her as friends, even though you’re trying to tear yourself away from her.
And although you can stay friends in the long term, you MUST give her space away from you in the short term.
So drop your desire to be loved and liked by her, and give her the clean break that she needs and deserves.
And yes that will make you a bad guy in her eyes for some time. That’s part of the deal.
4. Stay firm
If you’ve been together for long, the odds are big that your partner will come back to you.
And that she’ll say things that tug on your heartstrings.
If that happens, you have to stick to your guns.
You have to remember the reason why you broke up with your partner in the first place. And stay strong.
Which is tough.
Because after the break up, you’ll feel lonely and you’ll think back to all the good in the relationship. And slowly forget the bad.
That’s why you want to write down your fundamental reasons for dumping your ex, and re-read them in moments of weakness.
Breaking up: In practice
So how does all that translate to reality?
What are the practical steps to breaking up?
First, when you meet up and want to do the talk, don’t postpone it. You will only become more nervous. And she will feel you’re acting weird.
- Keep it close to yourself and what you are feeling
- Don’t acuse her of anything bad and don’t tell her it’s here fault
- Explain how you are unhappy right now and what you are missing
- And that you don’t see how the relationship can fill your needs any longer
- Conclude with that you want to break up.
It’s very important to stick to what you are feeling and not make any conclusions for her or about her.
if she wants a further explanation, be careful as explained before. Don’t get into a discussion where she tries to convince you everything can be different.
It’s a delicate balance.
Yes you want to give her some explanation so she’s not left with a lot of questions and uncertainties.
But your mind is set and you don’t want to give her hope that things might change or that it’s debatable.
Was dumping her/him the right decision?
You probably had 20 to 30 reasons to dump your ex.
Of which 1 or 2 fueled your desire to escape the most.
And you know what sucks?
Despite all these excellent arguments for dumping your ex, fear eventually creeps in and makes you doubt whether you made the right choice.
- “Maybe I should have given them another chance.”
- “Maybe I ended it prematurely.”
- “Maybe I’m being too fussy and I shouldn’t be expecting her to change that thing.”
To which I say:
No, you aren’t being fussy.
Yes, you made the right decision.
I get it, it’s normal to feel lots of pain after the break up.
But that pain isn’t proof that you made the wrong choice.
Perhaps the break up is a while ago, and you still haven’t found anyone better. So you reason that, “Despite all her flaws, she actually was pretty amazing.”
And you go down that rabbit hole of romantification. And eventually forget all about your sound logic for breaking up.
This is just the internal struggle. You’ll also have external influences that may move you to get back together with your ex.
Consider your friends. If your friends see you crying and in a really bad place, they may come up to you and say:
“You don’t have to feel this way, you know. Maybe… you can give it another go?”
And that advice doesn’t come out of a love for your ex, but love for you. Your friends can’t bear seeing you like this.
So beware of the internal and external struggle.
Both sides aren’t saying you should get together because you and your ex make for a good couple. Your feelings and friends are telling you to get back together, because it’ll end the pain.
Temporarily. The pain of missing someone doesn’t just disappear overnight.
But you can make the pain worse overnight, by questioning whether you did the right thing.
So, please, find peace in that one big reason that you broke up.
And persevere the pain, loneliness, and even jealousy if she’s found someone else.
All these bad feelings don’t mean you did something wrong. Pain isn’t always a sign you did something wrong.
It can also be a sign that this is a period that you need to grow.
Don’t let the pain confuse you. Don’t let it take you off the path that you know is right.
How to get over a breakup fast
So why does it stick around if we hate it so much?
To answer that question, we first have to figure out what heartbreak is.
Without going into the details, heartbreak happens when you constantly revisit memories of your ex.
Especially after a fresh break up, it’s easy to return to a memory when your mind is unoccupied, like when standing in line at the cashier.
Or when you’re alone and get into bed. When distractions are low, the pull of your ex becomes the strongest.
That said, sometimes we can actually have plenty of distractions. Such as a beautiful scene in nature. And you think to yourself, “I wish she was here to see how beautiful this all is.”
So it’s not just when times are bad that you miss someone the most. But also when times are good.
Which blows one of the strongest anti-break up cures right out the window:
You can fill every second of your day with distractions and people, but the moment you have time to think again, your mind will instantly snap back to the memory that makes your heartache.
So what is the cure for a broken heart?
For me, it’s making progress. Getting closer to a life goal or promoting a cause that I support.
Why? Because making progress lingers. It makes an impact.
Whereas distracting yourself with food, movies, and casual sex goes away once it’s finished.
So my question to you is:
What gives you a sense of achievement and meaning?
Because when you’re working hard on something meaningful, you’re engaged in life.
Suddenly life matters. And you feel a sense of opportunity.
Once you feel a sense of opportunity, you may be able to get into a place where you can work on fixing your love life.
Escaping heartbreak by surrounding yourself with friends and family, gorging on food, traveling the world is only temporary.
Once the ‘escape’ is over, you’re right back in the pain. It doesn’t move you past it.
So here’s my task for you:
- Find something that’s important to you (whether it’s changing the world, improving your market value, or learning how to play ping pong)
- Focus on that for an hour
- Notice the feeling you get by the end
Now, don’t expect your heartache to be gone by the end of that hour. It won’t.
But by focusing on the sense of satisfaction and achievement will lower the intensity of your heartache.
Again: it’s not about finding your life’s passion!
It could be as simple as:
- Doing a workout (and getting healthier)
- Reading a book (and feeling smarter)
- Cleaning your room (and getting organized)
That little bit of progress will get the ball rolling and give you the momentum you want.
I know that when you have a broken heart, you probably don’t want to do anything.
But I really believe that focusing on something that matters is the best way to deal with heartache.
So commit. That’s it for today, my friend. I know you’re going through a tough time. And I’m there with you. I’m in your corner.
Stay strong, be brave, and do what you know is the right thing to do.
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