You’re unhappy with the relationship and want to end it.
Except you don’t know how.
Because whether you’re a man or a woman, you’re about to learn exactly how to break up with someone over text.
- 4 Tips on how to break up with someone
- The biggest misconception about breaking up with someone
- The right time to dump your partner
- What to do if breaking up doesn’t feel like the right decision
- The best way to get over someone quickly (it’s NOT distracting yourself)
#1: The biggest misconception about breaking up with someone
If you’ve ever quit your job, had a fight with a friend, or broke up with an ex, you probably didn’t do it right.
Because when most of us end a situation, we often break it off under the assumption we’ll never see that person again.
And so we burn our bridges.
But when it comes to relationships, it’s not that simple. You don’t just see people regularly or not at all.
If you think of a relationship as a switch, you feel fine ending it in the most horrible way. Because you think you’ll never need them again.
So you turn the switch and say all the awful things you want.
But the reality is, people have a strange way of coming back into your life.
Probably not in the same role. Your ex won’t probably be your partner again.
But if you remain on good terms, your ex could continue to play an important role in your life. If only as a sounding board.
After all, she probably knows you better than most. So she knows exactly what your weak- and strong points are. And she can give you good advice on how to move forward.
So if you leave with class and elegance, you’ll still have access to her council.
Leave relationships in a way that doesn’t make it impossible to reach out to them in the future. Or make it impossible for them to reach out to you.
#2: Is there a right time to break up with someone over text?
I think we all understand that there’s never a right time to crash a car.
We would never drive off a cliff.
But breaking up with someone is kind of like driving off a cliff.
And so you wonder, “Is there a slightly better time to do it?”
Maybe not during the holidays, right?
After all, that timing may ruin your soon-to-be-ex’s Christmas forever.
The holidays are the time of year when we spend most of our time with colleagues, friends and family.
People that care.
So breaking up with someone before the moment they’re about to receive all that holiday love could be a great time.
Well, maybe not great. But it could let your ex bounce back the quickest.
Whereas the ‘normal’ time of year won’t offer your ex any distractions.
Plus, are you willing to spend another Christmas or Thanksgiving with someone you don’t love? And be forced to create intimate and meaningful moments with someone you’re no longer romantically interested in?
Do you want to create all these sentimental memories that’ll be ruined in a few weeks?
I wouldn’t want to put myself or my ex through that.
Whatever you do, never try to break up at a time where your partner is about to go through a life-changing event.
Like an important job interview.
Or the time of the biggest and toughest exams of the year.
Breaking up in that moment could seriously damage your partner’s life. And should be ideally avoided.
Which reminds me of the following crucial breakup tip.
#3: Do not get lost in excuses
Are you an empathetic and compassionate person?
Great. The world doesn’t have enough of those.
But that’s no excuse to postpone the break up forever.
The break up will hurt. That’s unavoidable.
All you want to do is delay the break up during any major events that are important to your girlfriend or boyfriend.
The emphasis being on MAJOR events.
If you’re a softie, you’ll use ANY event as an excuse not to break up.
And you’ll stay together for months, or even years, in a soul-crushing relationship.
Don’t confuse what’s good for the other person, with what you really think is good for you.
Don’t get lost in excuses, if your girlfriend isn’t going through any life-changing events, it’s the right time to break up.
#4: How to break up with someone
Breaking up with someone is a nightmare.
What’s harder than rejecting someone that you care about, or even love?
Seeing how hard it is to dump someone, I’m going to give you the best break up advice possible.
Which I’ve broken up into 4 parts.
Starting with the most important.
Don’t break up over text.
I know that’s what you came here for.
But dumping someone over text is NOT DONE.
If you can’t break up face to face, because you’re far away from each other…
…pick up the phone and call.
There is only ONE time you can and should break up over text.
And that’s when you feel physically threatened or unsafe to do it in person.
Other than that, breaking up with someone over text is lame and a bitch move.
Plus, breaking up in real life will give you the closure you need to move on quicker than if you did it over text.
Don’t have a million different reasons
You’re not a lawyer looking to prove your case in a court of law.
Besides, bringing up too many reasons will muddy up your argument. And what does that lead to?
Your partner jumping on your weakest arguments while arguing that it’s not true.
So distill all your reasons down to one big one. Maybe two.
Think to yourself: what’s your fundamental reason for leaving the relationship?
That’s the one you need to go with. And stick to.
Your girlfriend will probably work her hardest to dismantle your argument.
But that’s no reason to come up with other arguments.
Stay on course. And keep repeating yourself if you have to.
The goal is not to do damage and give someone a heap of new insecurities. The goal is to break up.
So don’t let it turn into a fight.
Even if your partner is trying to provoke you.
Which is quite a natural reaction.
Think about it. If they can turn you into the bad guy, they can feel better about getting dumped.
So if they’re trying to get a rise out of you, don’t take the bait.
They’re simply hurt and angry.
Which brings me to the next tip.
Don’t be the “good guy”
Our own ego often drives us to dump someone while trying to be a hero.
Put simply, we still want to be liked. Even if we’re breaking someone’s heart.
And that’s not fair.
Because in an effort to be liked, you may start saying things that you don’t mean.
You may give her hope, even though there is none.
And you’ll make the other person feel worse in the long term.
Because you’re trying to stay connected to her as friends, even though you’re trying to tear yourself away from her.
And although you can stay friends in the long term, you MUST give her space away from you in the short term.
So drop your desire to be loved and liked by her, and give her the clean break that she needs and deserves.
If you’ve been together for long, the odds are big that your partner will come back to you.
And that she’ll say things that tug on your heartstrings.
If that happens, you have to stick to your guns.
You have to remember the reason why you broke up with your partner in the first place. And stay strong.
Which is tough.
Because after the break up, you’ll feel lonely and you’ll think back to all the good in the relationship. And slowly forget the bad.
That’s why you want to write down your fundamental reasons for dumping your ex, and re-read them in moments of weakness.
#5: Was dumping her/him the right decision?
You probably had 20 to 30 reasons to dump your ex.
Of which 1 or 2 fueled your desire to escape the most.
And you know what sucks?
Despite all these excellent arguments for dumping your ex, fear eventually creeps in and makes you doubt whether you made the right choice.
- “Maybe I should have given them another chance.”
- “Maybe I ended it prematurely.”
- “Maybe I’m being too fussy and I shouldn’t be expecting her to change that thing.”
To which I say:
No, you aren’t being fussy.
Yes, you made the right decision.
I get it, my dear reader. It’s normal to feel lots of pain after the break up.
But that pain isn’t proof that you made the wrong choice.
Perhaps the break up is a while ago, and you still haven’t found anyone better. So you reason that, “Despite all her flaws, she actually was pretty amazing.”
And you go down that rabbit hole of romantification. (Is that a word?) And eventually forget all about your sound logic for breaking up.
This is just the internal struggle.
You’ll also have external influences that may move you to get back together with your ex.
Consider your friends.
If your friends see you crying and in a really bad place, they may come up to you and say:
“You don’t have to feel this way, you know. Maybe… you can give it another go?”
And that advice doesn’t come out of a love for your ex, but love for you. Your friends can’t bear seeing you like this.
So beware of the internal and external struggle.
Both sides aren’t saying you should get together because you and your ex make for a good couple. Your feelings and friends are telling you to get back together, because it’ll end the pain.
The pain of missing someone doesn’t just disappear overnight.
But you can make the pain worse overnight, by questioning whether you did the right thing.
So, please, find peace in that one big reason that you broke up.
And persevere the pain, loneliness, and even jealousy if she’s found someone else.
All these bad feelings don’t mean you did something wrong. Pain isn’t always a sign you did something wrong.
It can also be a sign that this is a period that you need to grow.
Don’t let the pain confuse you. Don’t let it take you off the path that you know is right.
#6: How to get over a breakup fast
So why does it stick around if we hate it so much?
To answer that question, we first have to figure out what heartbreak is.
Without going into the details, heartbreak happens when you constantly revisit memories of your ex.
Especially after a fresh break up, it’s easy to return to a memory when your mind is unoccupied, like when standing in line at the cashier.
Or when you’re alone and get into bed. When distractions are low, the pull of your ex becomes the strongest.
That said, sometimes we can actually have plenty of distractions. Such as a beautiful scene in nature. And you think to yourself, “I wish she was here to see how beautiful this all is.”
So it’s not just when times are bad that you miss someone the most. But also when times are good.
Which blows one of the strongest anti-break up cures right out the window:
You can fill every second of your day with distractions and people, but the moment you have time to think again, your mind will instantly snap back to the memory that makes your heartache.
So what is the cure for a broken heart?
For me, it’s making progress.
Getting closer to a life goal or promoting a cause that I support.
Because making progress lingers. It makes an impact.
Whereas distracting yourself with food, movies, and casual sex goes away once it’s finished.
So my question to you is:
What gives you a sense of achievement and meaning?
Because when you’re working hard on something meaningful, you’re engaged in life.
Suddenly life matters.
And you feel a sense of opportunity.
Once you feel a sense of opportunity, you may be able to get into a place where you can work on fixing your love life.
Escaping heartbreak by surrounding yourself with friends and family, gorging on food, traveling the world is only temporary.
Once the ‘escape’ is over, you’re right back in the pain.
It doesn’t move you past it.
So here’s my task to you:
- Find something that’s important to you (whether it’s changing the world, improving your market value, or learning how to play ping pong)
- Focus on that for an hour
- Notice the feeling you get by the end
Now, don’t expect your heartache to be gone by the end of that hour.
But by focusing on the sense of satisfaction and achievement will lower the intensity of your heartache.
Again: it’s not about finding your life’s passion!
It could be as simple as:
- Doing a workout (and getting healthier)
- Reading a book (and feeling smarter)
- Cleaning your room (and getting organized)
That little bit of progress will get the ball rolling and give you the momentum you want.
I know that when you have a broken heart, you probably don’t want to do anything.
But I really believe that focusing on something that matters is the best way to deal with heartache.
That’s it for today, my friend.
I know you’re going through a tough time.
And I’m there with you. I’m in your corner.
Stay strong, be brave, and do what you know is the right thing to do.
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