How to Get Good With Women, Without Becoming an Asshole

Most guys who want to get better with women start from a pretty normal place. They just want to date pretty women.

But somewhere along the way, dating stops feeling like something fun and starts becoming a way to prove they’re enough.

In this article, I’ll show you how to get good with women in a way that keeps things fun and effortless.

In this article:

• Is it okay to learn seduction?
• When getting good with women becomes a problem
• How to recognise if you’re seducing from a healthy or unhealthy place
• What’s the difference between performing and learning?
• How to get good with women the healthy way
• What to do if you’re treating success with women as a sign of your worth?
• Conclusion

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Is it okay to learn seduction?

Hell yeah, it’s okay to learn seduction. There’s nothing wrong with feeling less nervous around women, knowing how to flirt, and how to make a move. It gives you far more choice in your dating life!

Plus, a big part of being attractive is a skill. You can become better at having conversations, teasing, touching, creating tension, and making a woman feel desired.

When getting good with women becomes a problem

Most men want to become good at seduction for a very healthy reason: they want to be able to date women they’re genuinely attracted to… without hoping that luck does all the work for them.

Wanting more choice in your dating life doesn’t make you a creep. And wanting to sleep with beautiful women doesn’t make you a bad guy.

But getting better at seduction does come with a few traps.

For a lot of guys, the real problem starts once they begin getting results. Instead of enjoying women more, they often start seeing their success as proof that they’re attractive, masculine or finally good enough.

That’s when your love life stops being something you enjoy, and starts becoming an unhealthy way to repair your self-worth. Instead of seeing her as a person you’re curious about, she becomes a way to feel good about yourself.

• How Do You Become a Bad Boy? Here’s How to Do It Without Becoming a Jerk

How to recognise if you’re seducing from a healthy or unhealthy place

You can usually feel the difference. When it’s healthy, you’re still a bit nervous, obviously. You still want her to like you. And you still want the kiss, the date, the sex, and the story.

But underneath that, there’s a sort of calm. You want all these things but don’t need them.

Unhealthy seduction feels different, it’s heavier. You’re not really connected with her in the moment, instead, you’re in your head, watching yourself perform.

Healthy seduction

• You flirt because it makes you feel good.
• You tease her because it’s fun, not because some guy on YouTube gave you a killer line.
• You feel fine when she’s a bit slow to reply or she doesn’t give you the answer you hoped for.
• You want the night to go somewhere, but aren’t emotionally destroyed if it doesn’t.
• You make a move because the timing feels right.
• You’re not really concerned about making it work, you trust that you’re cool enough for her to like you without trying all the time.

Unhealthy seduction

• You can’t relax around beautiful women, but are fine with the cute types that are similar to those you’ve slept with before.
• You mainly talk to women so you can tell yourself you’re confident or masculine.
• You feel proudest when other men would be impressed by the woman you’re with, even if there’s a cute girl you can date who’s exactly your type
• It ruins your mood when she doesn’t respond the way you hoped.
• You turn every rejection into evidence that she’s out of your league.
• You care more about the story of seducing her than actually being with her.
• You keep asking yourself, “What’s the right thing to do here?”

What’s the difference between performing and learning?

Performers and learners both ask themselves, “What’s the right thing to do here?”

Yet one group is being cringe and the other is being smart. The difference is why they’re asking that question.

A learner asks because he wants to make his interactions with women better than before.

• “How can I flirt more clearly and not get friendzoned?”
• “How can I make the moment more fun?”
• “How can I touch her without being weird?”

This is an excellent mindset to have when you’re learning. And it doesn’t make you fake.

A performer always asks himself what to do, because he doesn’t want to look awkward and is scared of rejection. So he’s thinking:

• “How do I make sure she sees me as confident?”
• “What can I text her so she likes me?”
• “What would a high value guy do (because being myself doesn’t feel good enough)?”

So the difference lies in where it comes from.

The learner is trying to be better with women, and the performer is doing everything to avoid rejection.

How to get good with women the healthy way

Getting good with women the healthy way means you still learn seduction, but you stop treating every interaction like it’s a test about your worth.

You still practice, flirt, experiment and reflect on what you could do better. But you stop turning every woman into proof that you’re attractive, masculine or good enough. Instead, you start measuring success by something else:

• Did I express myself?
• Did I enjoy the interaction?
• Did I flirt and take a risk when I felt attracted?
• Did I make the moment more fun?
• Did I stay relaxed when I didn’t get the reaction I wanted?

Now you’re still improving, but you’re not performing.

What to do if you’re treating success with women as a sign of your worth?

Do your results with women feel like proof that you matter?

Then that’s not something you solve with more seduction techniques or by dating ‘better’ women. What’s happened is that dating has started to carry too much emotional weight for you.

That’s why the advice, “just have fun” doesn’t work. Even if you’re focused on trying to flirt in your head, your body is trying to survive rejection.

And as long if your nervous system reads rejection as danger, dating won’t feel like play. It will feel like a test you can fail.

So what do you do?

1. Make authenticity your goal

Don’t make the goal:

“I need to take her home.”

That puts your confidence in her hands. Instead, make the goal something that gets you closer to expressing who you are.

Say what you think. Flirt instead of playing it safe. Do something that’s important to you instead of waiting for her texts.

2. Make fear your friend

The way out is not to wait until you magically feel fearless. That day probably isn’t coming.

The way out is to act while the fear is still there, without letting that fear run the whole interaction.

You can be nervous and still start the conversation. You can feel fear and still flirt. You can feel the pressure and still make a move.

Can you already do all these things but fear missing out on the experience? Or do you fear being a wimp, or someone who isn’t really good with women after all?

Then your goal isn’t to force yourself through every interaction. That’s still fear running the show.

You’re not trying to defeat fear, you want to act from choice.

That sounds like:

“I’m attracted to her, so I’ll flirt.” or “If the vibe feels good, so I’ll make a move or ask for her number.”

3. Stop turning rejection into an identity crisis

After rejection, notice the first story your mind creates.

Does it say something like: “She’s out of my league.” or “I’m just not good enough.”

STAHPP! That’s not reality. That’s your insecurity trying to turn one moment into your whole identity.

The truth is usually much simpler: she didn’t feel it.

Sure, that can sting. But it doesn’t have to become a verdict on your value.

Every time you can feel the pain of rejection, take a deep breath and take your mind off things for a second. Go for a walk, do some work, make yourself a cup of tea, whatever. The point is that you want to break the habit of turning every rejection into some dumb ass, negative story about yourself.

4. Build a life where women are not your only scoreboard

Fear of rejection gets worse when women are the main place where you get confidence from. If dating is your only source of fun and confidence, every rejection feels massive.

What do you do?

Build enough sources of self respect that one woman’s reaction doesn’t carry the weight of your entire identity.

So yes, date.

But also see your friends. Hit the gym. Build new skills and improve old ones. Make money. Contribute to something. Go on adventures. Be part of a community.

The point is not to become some detached monk who doesn’t need anything. Just do enough cool stuff that makes you respect yourself outside of dating.

5. Keep learning seduction, but stop using women as proof

You don’t need to quit seduction or pretend that you don’t care about a woman’s validation.

Keep approaching, flirting, and working on a sex life you enjoy.

But stop asking women to prove that you’re enough. That was never their job.

The goal is to become good with women in a way that makes you more relaxed, playful and free, not more dependent on the next result.

Conclusion

Every guy should learn to get good with women. How else are you going to get the dating life you actually want?

Learn how to flirt. Be bold and make moves. And put yourself out there.

Just watch out that you don’t use women as evidence that you’re good enough. That makes dating heavy, and it makes you weird.

Now, you don’t need to stop caring about a woman’s approval. You just want it to be at a level where her opinion doesn’t deeply affect how you feel about yourself. That’s when dating becomes fun again.

Want to have more fun?

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Enjoy.

Blessings,
Louis Farfields

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