7 Reasons a Girl Flakes on You (and What To Text Her)

So you set up a date and she didn’t show up.

Now you have the following questions:

“Why did she flake? Did I say something wrong?”

“She hasn’t blocked me… Should I keep texting her and try for another date?”

“What should I text if a girl flakes in the future?”

Find out 7 reasons a girl flakes on you.

Read on and get:

  • Why girls from Tinder and other dating apps flake
  • How to reduce flakes and get her on the date
  • What to text when she flakes
  • What type of text behavior girls absolutely HATE
  • And much more…

After reading this article you’ll know exactly why she flaked and how you can still get that date.

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How to make sure girls never flake on you again

Before I tell you what steps to take after flaking, we’ll discuss why she flaked in the first place.

Because if you know the why, your flakes will dwindle down to zero.

Well… almost zero.

Anyway, let’s dig into the good stuff.

#1: Why girls from Tinder and other dating apps flake

It hurts when a girl doesn’t show up on the date, but more often than not there’s a reason for her flake.

A reason you gave her.

Which is a little confrontational, but also hopeful.

Because if you figure out what you’re doing wrong… she’ll probably show up.

Girls flake for many reasons.

And we’re going to delve into the biggest reason right now.

Remember, there are more reasons on why she flaked. But the upcoming reason is the biggest one. We’ll get into all the other reasons later.

The biggest reason girls flake is because you’re….

Not real.

No, I don’t mean you should take the red pill and wake up from the Matrix.

The point is far more simple.

If you fail to do your job, she won’t think of you as a living and breathing human being.

Instead, she’ll see you as a bunch of lifeless images on a dating app.

That’s the difference between being known as TinderGuy#1,463 and Adam Smith from LA who makes me laugh harder than my friends.

The more you stand out from the rest with good humor, teases and trustworthy texts, the more real you feel.

Now I don’t know about you, but it’s much easier for me to flake on a Tinder profile than it is to flake on Sonja from Serbia who accidentally crushed her pet turtle with her foot when she was 5 years old.

So when I have a date planned with a nobody and my friends ask me out to a summer barbeque at the beach.

I’ll flake on the nobody and join my friends.

But if I have a date with Sonja the turtle killer and my friends ask me out, I’ll take that sweet girl with me.

It works the same for the women you date on Tinder.

She won’t feel bad about flaking on you until you’ve become more real.

And one of the best ways to become real is through sharing intimate stories.

Stories that she can relate to.

Once she knows a few of your personal stories, she won’t flake on you as easily.

So when her friends come over and say, “C’mon, girl! Are you really going to blow your best friends off for some random guy you met on the internet?”

She’ll at least think it over.

And depending on her personality, she’ll:

  • Bring you along with her friends
  • Blow off her friends and see you anyway
  • Cancel the date, apologize and reschedule with you

#2: Second biggest reason why girls flake

Another huge reason why girls flake, is because you’re too much of a man.

No, this has nothing to do with the fact you have to step through doors sideways.

Although, kudos bro. You should share your workout routine some time.

Why you’re too much of a man has nothing to do with your physique.

But with your mindset.

Now I’m not sure if it’s in our DNA, or because we watched Scarface one too many times.

But us guys place a lot of value on words.

To quote Tony Montana, “All I have in this world is my balls and my word. And I don’t break ‘em for no one. You understand.”

So when you planned a date with a girl, you feel you’re done.

“We set the date for Friday 20:00. Cool.”

So you shift your focus back to other stuff.

And that’s when you make a huge mistake.

Just because the date is set, does not mean it’s going to happen.


Because women typically make romantic decisions based on their emotions.

At the time of planning the date, she felt really good about seeing you.

Sadly for you, emotions come and go as they please.

So if you neglect her after setting the date, there’s a good chance her feelings toward you will be different.

She may think, “He didn’t text me for 3 days. Is he still interested? I’ll take no answer as a no.”

Or her feelings toward you may have just got cold.

“I know I planned a date tonight with this dude from Tinder, but maybe I shouldn’t have.”

The point is this:

If you don’t keep up the texts, you’ll lose emotional momentum and possibly the date.

So stay in touch after you set the date.

#3: Why girls flake at the last moment

There are few things worse than when you freed up your evening, got into your best clothes, drove 60 minutes to reach your destination and see:

Sorry. Can’t make it tonight!

*angrily kicks puppy*

No, just kidding. I’d never harm my lovely shoes.

Anyway, I know the heartache that follows after you read that text outside the café in the freezing cold.

At that moment, nothing is more tempting than to transform into a texting peasant and say:

Well that sucks. Don’t bother texting me again

Sending that text will feel good for a second.

But ultimately does more harm than good.

What if she has a totally legitimate reason for flaking on you. Perhaps her grandma was just hospitalized.

You don’t know.

That’s why you never want to make stupid assumptions like:

  • “See, she doesn’t care.Why does this always happen to me???”
  • “She’s just heartless!”
  • “This confirms it. All women treat men like trash!”
  • “Pffff, I knew I shouldn’t have bothered with dating apps.”
  • “What a fu$%* bi$%*!”

What do you do instead?

You apply my favorite of Stephen Covey’s 7 habits:

Seek first to understand… then to be understood.

Fight the urge to read the situation through your own biased lens.

And strongly consider that she may have a legitimate reason for blowing you off.

She’s insecure about a bad haircut. She’s at a family gathering and she can’t leave. Something bad happened to one of her friends or relatives.

If you send her an emotionally loaded text, you’ll kill your chances of seeing her again.

If you seek to understand, you may see her again and find out you’re a perfect match.

#4: When she flakes but offers to reschedule

When it comes to rescheduling after the flake, there’s a huge difference between normies and people who read about seduction.

Normies do way…



Let me explain.

Men who read seduction know too much about techniques.

“I have to be witty, cheeky and funny. So I’ll send her this meme first, that statement next, and go for the date close last.”

Lots of hard work that often gets you nowhere.


Because all those try-hard texts come across as unnatural. And she’ll be turned off.

Peasant Paul isn’t fazed by setting up the 2nd date.

He’s just nice. (Note: being nice is totally different from being a ‘nice guy’.)

If she apologizes nicely, Peasant Paul replies:

Okay, no problem. Let’s try again later. I’m available next week Thursday and Friday

Super simple.

And honestly, pretty damn effective.

She flaked because she couldn’t make it. Honest mistake.

No reason to be difficult about it.

So when she flakes and offers to reschedule, be more like Peasant Paul.

Be nice.

#5: What absolutely NOT to do

Girls HATE the next type of behavior.

Maybe you’re worried about whether she’s going to come to the date.

So out of insecurity, you send her bad text in hopes she returns a similar level of interest:

Can’t wait to see you and those beautiful full lips

Even if she was interested in you, that text is way too sexual to send to a girl you barely know.

All the message does is plant a seed of doubt in her mind.

“Wow. Does he just want me for my body? I think he has the wrong expectations.”

Which is precisely what women hate:

When you set the wrong expectations.

You can set the wrong expectations in largely two ways:

  1. Putting the emphasis on kissing and sex, while she genuinely wants to get to know you
  2. Getting too romantic too quickly

Coach Jay is an expert on getting too romantic too fast, so he’ll take over from here.

I (coach Jay) love texting like a bad boy, but also love getting intimate.

Which often confused the girls I dated.

Some girls would come onto the date thinking I was this suave, cold-blooded pimp.

But after one drink I’d already hold her hand, carry her round in my arms, and tell stories of how I got a piece of corn stuck in my nose when I was two.

Now, to be fair, not one girl ever disliked my romantic approach.

In fact, most women loved these dates.

But if she wasn’t ready for something serious, I’d always receive a text the next day saying:

Hey, because I respect you I’m going to be completely honest. I had a really great time with you but I’m not ready for a relationship, sorry! You seem like a great lad so I’m sure you’ll find someone amazing for ya. Good luck

This was actually the first girl who mentioned the word ‘relationship’. Other girls said stuff like, “I don’t see this going anywhere” or the classic “Let’s stay friends.”

Which was bizarre after you spent the entire evening laughing and touching each other.

So after texting the ‘relationship’-girl, I discovered that I totally set the wrong expectations.

I was being too boyfriendy.

So in future dates, I dialed back the boyfriend vibes… and never got rejected again (unless we obviously didn’t have any chemistry).

The moral of the story?

Don’t over-emphasize sex and romance before the first date.

Instead, match her expectations.

Which is usually, “I wonder if he’s as fun in person as he was over text.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. Just because my over the top way of texting set the wrong expectations, doesn’t mean you should do the opposite and be boring.

You never want to be boring.

Instead, be the flirty challenge you’ve been all along.

Because that’ll get her super excited to meet you.

#6: She’s too inexperienced

The next flake is especially confusing, but strangely common.

This is usually what the online interaction looks like.

You fire off a text to your crush.

She likes the attention and replies.

Now you get into a basic back and forth.

The conversation isn’t great, but it’s enough to hold her attention.

You eventually propose a date and she bites.

Happy days!

But on the day of the date she cancels or doesn’t show up.

What happened?

Although I can’t be certain, she probably felt a bit nervous about the idea of meeting you.

“Are we going too fast?”. “Are we a good match?” “Did I make a mistake by saying yes?”

So she does what most women do in this situation, reread the conversation.

And as she reads the conversation, she comes to a shocking discovery:

You’re a human advil.

Because she’s relatively inexperienced with dating, or fresh out of a relationship, you seemed fun.

But now she sees that was a lie.

Your conversation is more stale than the crumbs in the back of your breadbox.

Realizing that setting up the date was a mistake, she flakes.

Did she flake and you don’t know why?

Reread the conversation.

Is it boring?

There’s your answer.

Want to have more fun conversations without using any effort?

Check out my 10 Texts That Always Work.

#7: Girl flakes but keeps texting

She flaked on you, but still keeps texting as if nothing happened.

What’s going on?

She probably flaked for 1 of 3 reasons.

  1. She had a legitimate excuse and simply didn’t tell you about it
  2. She was too nervous, which is especially common in inexperienced girls or women who just got out of a relationship

The third reason is a little more complex and deserves a tip of its own. So we’ll get into that in a moment.

As for dealing with the two situations we just described…

Seek to understand.

Which is NOT an excuse to turn into an interrogator from Guantanamo Bay.

First, match the tone of her texts.

Is she being sincere? Do the same.

Is she being light-hearted and fun? Follow along.

Once you feel like she’s enjoying the conversation, go for the date WHILE acknowledging her previous flake.

Like so:

I have the urge to invite you to a café that serves DA BESS coffee. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to have my heart broken again

I was in the hospital for three days and the surgeons weren’t sure if they could put it together again

A light text like that will get her to reveal her intentions.

If she’s interested to see you, she’ll let you know.

But what happens if…

#8: Girl flakes TWICE but keeps texting

“Is she playing games with me?”

Now is the time to find out.

If she flakes on you TWICE, you deserve an explanation.

Now she doesn’t have to tear a page out of her diary, or show proof of a doctor’s appointment. But you deserve to know why she flaked.

Here’s my personal story of a girl who flaked twice.

First time round, we planned to do drinks at a café near my house.

She was a no show. But she did apologize and instantly arranged for a new date the week after.

I had plans already, a party of a friend, but I invited her to tag along.

Next week comes around, and she doesn’t show up AGAIN. Not that it bothered me, there was plenty of female company.

The day after the party, she sent me some other excuse and invited me to come over to her place.

I replied:

As long as there are hot chicks

Anyway, I came over and she let me into her house. And later into her lovelies.

So just because she flaked twice, doesn’t mean she’s a tease.

But keep your eyes open for bullshit.

There’s always the possibility that (s)he’s catfishing you.

Yep, she may not be who she says she is. She may even be a dude.

So keep that in mind.

#9: What to send her when she flakes

Dealing with the flake is difficult unless you master the following principle

Let’s explain that principle through an example.

Suppose she texts:

Hey, I’m sorry. I won’t be able to make it

Note that she doesn’t explain why.

How would you reply?

Does your answer involve digging for an explanation?

Then you’re sabotaging your chances of seeing her.


Because you’re looking for answers out of insecurity.

To be precise, you’re looking for reassurance that she still likes you. So you fire off your question and pray to the TextGod that her reason has nothing to do with you.

That’s why the first half of the principle is:

Don’t be butthurt.

That alone obviously doesn’t give you any direction.

Which is why we add the second half:

And seek to understand.

What would that look like?

In this case, like so:

Oh damn that sucks

But don’t sweat it. Hope nothing bad happened

One time a woman flaked TWICE, but sent me a genuinely apologetic text:

I’m sooooo sorry!! I can’t believe I have to cancel the date again! I’m stuck with my family and they really want me to stay

Can you guess what I replied?

Briefly picture the answer in your mind before you read on.

Hey I totally get that, family is important. Besides, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of great times in the future

Thanks 🙂 That’s so sweet of you 😘

IMPORTANT: The second sentence of my reply is pretty gooey and shows too much interest for a total stranger. The reason it worked so well, was because we’d already hung out for a while in person.

If it was a stranger I may have sent:

Hey I totally get that, family is important. Besides, you couldn’t handle my stunningly sexy body anyway (I just did 5 sit ups #Ripped)

Would you like more funny lines like that?

Grab my 10 Texts That Always Work.

Enjoy, bro.

Louis Farfields

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