9 Steps to Get Your Ex Back by Text Message

You let love slip out of your hands and want it back.

I feel you. We’ve all been there.

That’s why I’m going to give you 9 steps to get your ex back by text message as fast as possible.

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How to get your ex back fast

Being dumped sucks. And I would lie if I told you it could all be fixed tomorrow.

But I can give you the fastest way to get your ex back.

It’s never a guarantee, but if you follow my steps, you definitely maximize your changes.

Step 1: Obey the no contact rule

First things first. Before you make things even worse, obey the no contact rule:

Do not contact your ex for some time.

This is important for several reasons:

  • You give your ex time to actually start missing you during the no contact period
  • You can get your head together and not act impulsively
  • You can change the things necessary to get your ex back

More on these in the following tips.

Step 2: Figure out what went wrong

There is ZERO point in trying to get your ex back if you don’t fix this first: The problem!

If you don’t address the reason she broke up with you, the relationship is doomed to fail again.


So before you get together, you must fix the issues that led her to break up with you.

And that may take a while.

Do you suffer from insecurities? Go see a counselor or coach.

Are you lazy and without ambition? Go find a project or career to sink your teeth into.

Whatever it is that she didn’t like about you, you must first fix it before trying to get her back.

There are basicly 3 types of problems:

You did something that led to the breakup

Often times we’re blind to our own flaws. But you guys broke up, didn’t you?

And there are always two in a break-up. So try putting yourself in the shoes of your ex.

What did your ex need from you that you didn’t provide? Didn’t you put your ex in first place?

And how can you change your ways?

Your ex did something that led to the breakup

Sometimes you really can’t figure out anything you did wrong.

But you see problems in how your ex was handling things. How your ex was communicating or other issues that led to your break-up.

In this case consider the following:

Are you sure you want to get back to your ex for the right reasons? Do you think your ex can change? Do you see a situation where it would actually be a great pleasure to be with your ex again?

And what did you lack in your communication and in how you handled the situation, that you guys ended up breaking up?

What can you do different on your end? Because in the end you can only change your behaviour.

You aren’t the best match

Sometimes it isn’t anything in particular that led to the break-up.

Or I should say: nothing that you SHOULD want to change.

Sometimes two people are simply not made for each other.

The more different you are, the more effort it takes to make it work. Up to a point that you shouldn’t want to compromise that much.

And maybe you’ll have to conclude your ex is not the one.

Step 3: Focus on getting your life in order and building self-esteem

During the no contact period, focus on getting your own life in order.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who is happy on their own. Your lifes were intertwined, and it’s time to find yourself again.

Many people going through a break up will understand that as: get my life in order so that she wants me back.


Get your life in order for yourself!

Sure, it’ll help to win back your ex. But getting your shit together does something way more important.

A bunch of things actually:

  • It’ll distract you from the pain
  • It’ll improve you as a human being
  • It’ll rebuild your confidence and self-esteem
  • It’ll make you feel good
  • It’ll make you stronger, smarter and better
  • And it’ll ultimately put you in a place where you don’t even need your ex anymore
  • A breakup can be a phenomenal catalyst for personal growth

So get after it.

Work out. Train hard. Run. Hike. Play guitar. Read books. See friends. Do jiu jitsu.

Just get after it.

And most importantly: You’ll figure out if you want your ex back for the right reasons.

Step 4: Make your ex miss you

So many people wallow in misery after getting dumped.

But you can’t feel shitty forever. Why? It rarely works to win your ex back.

And neither does it do anything good for other areas of your life.

Sure, sometimes throwing a pity party can make her feel sorry for you. But usually the whole ‘I can’t live without you’-pitch just makes you look unattractive.

And it makes sense! Why would she want to be with someone who’s a complete mess?

There are two ingredients that will actually make your ex miss you. Two things that will make your ex finally realize you are the one:

Time apart

You can only miss someone if they aren’t there anymore. If they are not available.

If you obey the No Contact Rule that we talked about before, your ex has the space to actually start missing you.

There is time to forget all the bad things, or at least not have them reinforced. And to remember all the good things about you.

Being reminded of all your good points

What if you could help your ex remember or see what she is missing?

Positivity, confidence and happiness.

If she sees you having a good time without her, she may start to feel that she’s missing out and that she made a mistake dumping you.

So you have to give her something to desire.

Now how do you do that?

Up to the next step.

Step 5: Show off your happiness on social media

Showing off your new awesome lifestyle can be tough.

You can’t just drive by her house in a Maserati with the top down while showing off your epicly buff gym bod.

I mean, you could. But it won’t come across as a positive.

To truly give her the idea that you’ve turned a corner and become a new-and-improved-you, you want to use social media.

Why? It’s low-key. Uploading cool photos of your life to social media is normal.

So you’re not herassing your ex, and still she’ll see the new and improved you who’s having fun without her.

You made it for your friends, family and whoever else follows you.

Will she see every story? Probably not. But studies show that she’ll likely click on something eventually and then get pulled deep into your Instagram or Facebook feed.


Step 6: Make your ex regret losing you

The worst thing you can do now is run back to her and demand she takes you back.

That’ll probably just scare her off even more.

Even if she does still love you, she has clearly shown you that she needs space. Time for herself.

By forcing your way back into her life, you’re just proving that she made the right choice by breaking up with you: you prioritize your feelings over hers.

Don’t give her a reason to feel good about the break up.

If anything, you want to make her doubt her decision for dumping you.

Which may sound manipulative. But if you’re truly right for each other, showing doubt about the break up is in her benefit too.

Don’t convince your ex to get back together, but make your ex feel breaking up was the wrong thing to do.

Don’t try to crowbar your way into her life, work on being happy by yourself.

Get back in the gym. Start reading again. Do a roadtrip with some friends. Get better at your job.

Once you hit a good groove, reflect and ask yourself, “Do I still want her back?”

If so, let her know you want to talk things through over a cup of Joe.

Once she gets the message, chill. Back off and give her space.

After all, she knows where to find you.

Step 7: Send the right text message to get back in contact with your ex

If you want to get back together, you can’t send your ex any random text.

After all, she probably doesn’t want to talk to you. So a real conversation is out of the question.

Remember: The more pushy or needy you come across, the more you’re pushing your ex away.

So the question is: How do we get back in contact without me being needy?

And to rephrase that in a more positive way: How to I contact my ex and at the same time make my ex miss me?

Make your ex remember the good times.

  • Send her a photo of a gift she once gave you
  • Send her a photo of a park or café you used to visit a lot
  • Send her a photo of something that she always liked to get when you were together (for example: funny license plates)

Whatever you do, I recommend you stick with a picture.

Why? It’s incredibly low-effort and it doesn’t come across as needy.

A text message usually implies you want a response. But a photo is like a little snack that can be enjoyed without guilt.

So be her not-so-secret-Santa.

Step 8: Communicate in a positive and mature way

If your ex replies to your texts or pictures, it’s time to have a conversation.

Before you start talking about getting back together, have a positive conversation.

Make her remember how nice it is to talk to you and all the great things you did together.

Remind your ex of great memories. Or inside jokes you had.

Where possible show off without bragging how awesome your life is since you spit. To make your ex miss you even more.

Step 9: Agree to meet up with your ex

Now you restored contact and it’s all positive, it’s time to meet up.

Keep it simple, like a cup of coffee.

Don’t make it a big thing. Just ask “Hey, wanna go get a cup of coffee? I’m curious to hear how you’re doing.“

Or if you broke up because of things you did, you can open with “Hey, wanna meet up for a quick drink? I think I have some things I need to set straight / I need to apologize for“

Great, now you’re all set to take the next step and actually meet up.

Keep it light. Remember: don’t argue your ex back into a relationship. But make your ex FEEL getting back is the right thing.

Make sure the conversation is fun. And when you think you’re ready, start talking about why you guys broke up and how things changed now. Or how you would do things differently. From a place of confidence and understanding.

Respect boundaries

This is super important, so I’m going to give it to you straight:

Respect her boundaries.

If your ex ever says anything along the lines of:

Please stop talking to me

Or if she straight up blocks you, it’ll never work out between you two.

Fact. So if she tells you to stop texting her, move on.

How long does it usually take for an ex to come back?

I’ll be honest with you. Getting your ex back is not a matter of a few weeks.

On average it takes between a months and half a year. Sometimes longer.

There are several reasons for this:

  • Your ex really needs time to start missing you
  • They need time to process all the negative emotions
  • They need to discover how life is without you
  • And YOU need time to detach yourself in a healthy way before getting back

Of course, how long it really takes depends on a lot of factors.

A reality check

You may not like to hear this, but it’s what you need to hear:

You may not need to get back with your ex.

I understand that you’re head over heels over this person and would do almost anything to get her back.

But before you do, I have a question for you that I want you to answer truthfully:

Is she really the fun, sweet and understanding person you think she is? Or are you maybe romanticizing her in a way that makes her larger than life?

She legit may be an awesome human being.

But it’s also possible she’s not quite right for you. Or that you’re not right for her.

Yup. You may not be what she needs right now. And if that’s true (you should know, she no doubt explained why she wanted to break up) the best thing you can do for her is leave her alone.

I know that’s not what you want to hear. I know that’s not why you came to this article.

But it’s my job to tell you what you need to hear.

And some of you don’t need to get her back.

How to move on

Heartbreak sucks. Whenever you have a moment for yourself, your mind snaps back to your ex.

Watching a beautiful sight? Again, your mind snaps straight back to wishing your ex was with you.

So it’s not just about distraction and filling your day with epic activities.

The memory that makes your heart ache will come flooding back whenever it has a chance.

So what’s the cure? Progress. Bettering your life in a fundamental way.

Because what happens when you achieve something important and meaningful?

  • Suddenly life matters again.
  • You gain confidence. You’ve proven to yourself you can change the world for the better.
  • You see possibility. Perhaps you really can get to a place where you’ll feel whole again.

So what fixes heartbreak isn’t hanging out with friends, going on a holiday or working overtime. Those distractions only work momentarily.

To move on, you need meaningful progress.

That could be something as large as your life’s passion, but also something as little as working out, eating a salad or cleaning up your room.

Start small if you need to.

The little things will get the ball rolling so you have enough momentum for the big stuff.

I know how brutal it is to feel heartache.

It’s really hard.

But I want you to know we’re in this together. What I said earlier about meaningful progress?

I truly believe that’s the best way to move on WHILE also having a legit shot at getting your ex back.

Commit to something important.

Then you’ll see how bright the world can actually be.

Good luck, my friend.

Louis Farfields

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