Whether you met her online or in real life, you’re past the small talk.
And this is where it gets dangerous. Because this is where conversations come to die, unless… you get into the groove and hit it off.
Which is why today’s article is all about how to build rapport over text.In this article:More...
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Understanding rapport within the context of dating
Before we dive into how you can build rapport over text, first things first. Because if you want to be successful at dating, you need to understand the role of rapport.
If you’re a dedicated TextGod follower, you know the TextGod Formula of attraction. The 4 ingredients that make her go on a date and in the end want to have a relationship with you.
- Attraction: Does she feel attracted to you? Are you communicating as a real man to a woman? Are you flirty and fun?
- Trust: Can she trust you’re normal and not some weird guy? Women are way more vulnerable than man.
- Investment-balance:Are you coming off needy because you invest to much? And does she invest enough?
- Date-threshold: The more confident she is about her attractiveness, the higher the threshold for her to go on a date.
Rapport is basicly Trust. And the smaller part of attraction that focusses on commonalities and understanding.
Since you’re looking to build rapport over text, you need to know there is a right reason for doing it and a very wrong reason.
The wrong reason to build rapport in dating
A lot of people think that if they manage to build rapport with someone, the other person will start to feel attracted.
Unfortunately, that’s not how attraction works. Attraction mostly has to do with flirting, teasing and actually tactically breaking rapport.
So it’s important to realize that rapport alone won’t get you a date or mate.
Dating always starts with building initial attraction.
The right reason to build rapport in dating
However, once you build attraction… She’s totally into you and feels physically attracted to you… You’re not there yet.
She needs to feel she can trust you. And therefore you have to build some level of rapport.
This might be enough for a wild adventure together.
However, if you actually want a relationship, she needs to feel you actually are a good match. You understand each other and have commonnalities.
This is the next level of rapport you want to build with her.
So to summarize, understand: Rapport is important, but without Attraction first she won’t see you as a potential lover or partner.
1. Build rapport by being radically authentic
One of the core principles we teach at TextGod is Radical Authenticity.
It’s being radically yourself. Not changing yourself for another. Not putting on a mask to pretend you’re cool.
And the interesting thing is that being radically authentic actually creates rapport and trust.
It’s because she can feel a phony from miles away. She can sense that you’re not being real.
That’s exactly what a lot of people do on dating apps. They change for HER. Instead of being radically themselves.
Yes, some people won’t like you for being you. But you shouldn’t even want to date those people.
Others will like you even more. And sensing that you’re being real, makes them trust you that much more.
So although you’re going to learn more “tactics” to build rapport below, make sure to use them wisely.
Absorb them as new communication skills, instead of using them as “tricks” to get her.
2. Build rapport by matching and mirroring
One thing that ALWAYS works to create rapport is Matching and mirroring.
Put simply, when people get together and hit it off, they become like each other. They mirror each other.
It’s because people like people who are similar.
What does all this mean? If you want to create good vibes and a sense of connection, you mirror the person in front of you.
- You use the same tone of voice
- You use the same body language
- You even match the other person’s breathing pattern
“But Louis, we don’t have any of that over text.”
Correct, my astute reader.
That’s why you stay close to their way of texting. To create a sense of chemistry, it helps to mimic the next three things:
- Message length
- Complexity of words (don’t use ten-dollar words if she’s talking like a character from Sesame Street)
- Sense of humor (if your puns have her rolling with laughter, she probably won’t appreciate your joke about Ben Dover and Mike Hunt.)
Do you plan on using mirroring in person? Don’t make it obvious.
If your date becomes aware that you’re actively copying their movements, there’s a good chance you’ll destroy their trust in you.
Also, don’t mirror negative body language. If someone is angry, yelling back at them will only make their mood worse.
Obviously, mirroring requires that you’re already texting a little.
If getting the convo started is something you struggle with, this article of mine will make it easy:
3. Build rapport by dropping small talk and going first
You matched with a fantastic girl on a dating app and want to get to know her.
But instead you’re lost in a tangle of chit-chat.
Stale questions that you’ve asked a hundred times too many, and that you probably don’t even want to know the answer to.
So what do you do? Well, first understand that you can’t skip small talk entirely.
Matching with a cutie on a dating app and diving right into the deep end is a failing strategy. While asking meaningful questions can work, most people don’t feel comfortable sharing personal facts about themselves with strangers.
To build connection, you first have to break the ice.
So what do you do once the ice is broken?
Take the lead.
Suppose you want to talk with your match or crush about exercise.
You could ask her:
Or… you take the lead and go:
It’s playful, challenging, and will likely get her to open up about her exercise routine.
If you want to know something about her, don’t ask questions, go first.
Is the conversation too young to go deep? Keep it playful.
Her answer likely won’t be entirely true, but it will build rapport.
Do you think enough trust and familiarity has been built to share something meaningful? Go first and be sincere.
When someone is sincere and not holding back, most people want to share something equally sincere and personal about themselves.
4. Build rapport by switching subjects
Here’s the mistake most people make when it comes to making conversation over text.
They get onto a conversational thread. Which is fun at first, but as you follow it all the way down, down, down, and down… you find the thread’s end. Now, there’s nothing left to say on that subject.
Even worse still, because you only talked about ONE topic, it feels very awkward to move onto a different topic.
Why does it feel awkward? Because you talked so long about that one fun subject, you have no clue what else your conversation partner enjoys.
How do you keep the good vibes going?
You start different conversational threads at the same time.
Suppose you’re talking about holidays.
She’ll likely reply and perhaps even ask you a follow-up question.
That’s a trap. Don’t fall for it.
If you answer her question, you’re sticking to the conversational thread again.
Note: Exchanging a few texts about one topic is fine. But don’t feel compelled to stick to it.
What would I like you to do if she asks you a follow-up question?
You link to another topic.
And off you go.
I know you’re a gentleman, but don’t feel obliged to stick to topics the other person brings forward.
Especially if they’re also struggling to build rapport.
If you notice the convo is getting bogged down by jibber jabber, it’s YOUR job to transition into something fun and interesting.
Sound like a task you’re not up to?
I hereby promote you anyway. Here’s an article that will tell you exactly what to do:
And ladies, no worries, guys like those topics too.
The beauty of setting up multiple topics, is that you can always come back to one later.
Which can be especially smart to do if she keeps hammering on about it.
Long story short, start several topics at once.
5. Build rapport by making her laugh
Humor is a fantastic way to build rapport.
But it can be challenging, if not feel HELLA hard, because all you have is the written word.
That’s why I made you a video on how to make a girl laugh over text.
In a couple minutes, you’ll know all you need to make her crack a rib from laughter.
6. Build rapport by teasing her
It might sound counterintuitive, but teasing her actually builds rapport.
Because teasing the right way creates a kind of play between the two of you. Which shows you understand each other on a deeper level.
I’d met this girl in real life and we were a couple minutes into the conversation when I said, “Have you ever been to Belgium?”
And without blinking she said, “No.” And as if she’d just insulted my mother she quickly followed up with, “Wait, WAIT! I have, I’m sorry! I forgot! I FORGOT!”
Now, she wasn’t screaming because she thought I was deaf. She was screaming because she saw me go from attentive and interested to disgusted and outraged.
Before she was even done speaking, I went, “YOU FORGOT MY HOMELAND!!!! WHAT THE HELL!”
And she loved it. She was hiding her face in her hands and was all giggles.
The point I want you to take away from this?
If she ever does or says something you disapprove of, don’t let her get away with it, tease her for it!
Here’s an easy over the top tease:
Or one of my VERY favorites. Here’s the scenario:
(Here it comes, I hope you’re ready…)
7. Build rapport by being playfully absurd
Playfulness is KEY to flirting. And is almost always forgotten.
No surprise why. Most people, especially men, think that the goal of any conversation is to exchange information.
But if you like the person you’re talking to, the goal of the conversation is to IMPROVE the vibes.
Let me show you an example of a girl who was teasing me once she found out I was from Belgium.
She was still typing, because I saw this.
So I quickly typed in an absurd playful text:
Next, I saw how she deleted her text and typed something new:
She was clearly joking the first time.
And because I joined in on the joke and raised the funny vibes, she had a blast.
Which brings me to my next point.
8. Build rapport by getting comfortable with bad situations
No matter how good you are, you will eventually send a text that’ll rub someone the wrong way.
- Either you didn’t properly calibrate your joke or tease
- The person on the other end is having a bad day
- Or your joke happens to remind her of a super shitty time in her life
Knowing that insulting someone is a matter of time, you better prepare yourself.
“Louis, no offense. But how will this help build rapport over text?”
Because being able to save yourself from a bad situation also creates a bond.
It’s almost like dismantling a bomb together.
How do you come back after accidentally offending someone? You apologize and switch the topic.
You apologize (kinda). You play the ‘stud’ card. And then you diss yourself with a GIF that also lightens the mood.
It shoes you are emotionally mature and don’t have a huge ego that gets in the way.
And those very facts create rapport.
Armed with all these tips, you should have no trouble building rapport over text.
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